How to best handle holiday conversations with family and friends who voted differently in the presidential election.
People have been asking me for tips on how they can best handle conversations over the holidays with family and friends who voted differently than they did in the presidential election. It’s been exhausting for literally everyone I’ve talked with, before and after. And the potential for conversations to go sideways is particularly rife this year.
So here are some pointers I pass along:
RESPOND (versus REACT)
Think before you say anything. It only takes a moment to imagine where an off-the-cuff comment or reaction will lead. Give yourself a couple of beats to be deliberate about what you say, or don’t say.
To build in those beats, use:
THE POWER OF “WOW”
Start a response with the word “Wow” as a way to create some space. This is especially helpful when you feel triggered. It can be the magic bullet to give you time to choose what you want to say (if anything). The beauty of “Wow” is that it can go in any direction: you can agree, disagree, like it, love it, hate it, be confused, not know, or just give yourself a pause to breathe.
For example:
“Wow . . . I’m not quite sure how to respond to that. Let me think for a moment.”
“Wow . . . you make a good point. AND . . . there may be another way to look at it.”
“Wow . . . I think I see where you’re going. Run that past me again.”
“Wow . . . I feel a lot differently. Let me think for a sec.”
You see how it works . . .
Next:
KNOW YOUR INTENTION
What do you most want to have happen in this setting? For many, the holidays are a rare time to gather with people you don’t often see. Be clear within yourself of why you’re getting together in the first place. Is it a choice? Obligation? Dreading it? Eager? No matter your starting point, your intention sets part of the stage and contributes to the resulting outcome.
IF TRIGGERED
For many gatherings, it isn’t so much “if” you get triggered so much as it’s “when.” Families, by any definition, are complicated. They each have their own dance. Some of this is predictable. Some of it is not. No matter what, here are four possible ways you can respond:
1) Let it slide
You can shrug, nod your head, and move on. There’s nothing that obligates you to reply to every comment.
2) Debate
This is what usually happens. We engage in a duel of facts and logic: my version of the truth against yours, along with all my evidence. This does not generally come out well. Have you ever seen anyone actually change their mind as a result?
And who wins? You may feel better, in the short term. But the downstream impact is often long-lasting. Is it worth it?
3) Listen to Understand (not just to reply)
This is a tried and true Stephen Covey principle: actually listen to what someone is saying instead of thinking about what you’re going to say. Even if you totally disagree with the person’s ideas, logic, conclusions, etc., the mere act of listening has value. This one is hard, but it’s one of Covey’s 7 Habits worth cultivating.
4) Ask Questions to Learn More
Then there’s the hardest choice of all: use inquiry to lean in. Ask the person to describe more about how they see things, how it makes them feel, how they came to their perspective.
And you never know, maybe it will be reciprocated. We can dream.
And there’s a 5th principle:
5) Be Kind
No matter what, you can always make this choice.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone,
Lori
